What you want, What you need.

I recently returned to my alma mater and was a little shocked, despite being warned, that the whole place had changed. Most of the academic buildings have undergone minor changes, mainly improvements and updates, but the big shocker was the on-campus housing.

Granted, most of the dorms, or "residence halls" as the PR spinners prefer, which have been replaced were quite due. Overdue, actually. Now attractive, imposing new buildings, mostly connected into a rambling conglomeration of architecture and landscaping, make up the new character of the my old University.

From the outside, it's a lovely change from the... well, whatever that spate of horrid 70's architectural aesthetic was called. Let's call it "Awefulism." The new buildings are modern, pleasing and impressive.

While I was there for my visit I learned that there was a massive effort to find out what the students living on campus wanted most from their housing. This data was then used to create and taylor a system which would be the most attractive and enjoyable living situation possible. They wanted to give the students what they wanted.

I even learned that there were 10 groups from other universities who were there to study the designs and theories behind the new setup. With all the research and planning, my alma mater's efforts are being held up as something to model other colleges after. Give them what they want!

The problem? Students don't like it.

Not so long ago, the standard "dorm" was made up of 4 basic areas.
1. A public bathroom with multiples sinks, toilets and shower booths.
2. A large public lounge/study area.
3. Humble box-shaped rooms which were usually shared by 2 students
4. A long hallway to connect it all together.

And I hated it.

I hated it because I had to share a small space with a pungent crazy Swiss guy my Freshmen...oops - First Year. (more PR corrections) I hated it because it made me interact with people I normally wouldn't, walk down the long hall and listen to their music, deal with their issues. I hated it because there were people who left the bathroom areas in terrible shape.

What I wanted then is what students want now - and are getting: Self-contained apartment-style housing on campus. A small room to yourself, your own bathroom or shared between you and your suite-mates, who live in one or two adjacent personal rooms. Some have a kitchenette. Some have a common area for the suite-mates, though it is very small. A hallway door which leads to the common area or entryway, with another set of doors to close off your apartment.

Students' chief complaint about new Residence Hall life? They don't know anyone. Is it any wonder? Apart from coming and going to class, there's not much reason to leave your personal space. Some floors hardly have any common areas

After so much survey and study, what they wanted apparently wasn't what they need. Why is it that so often what I want and what I need are totally different?

In my campus living experience, it forced me to interact with different people from different viewpoints, upbringing and cultures. Even if I didn't build deep relationships, there was a community there, a common experience. There was an availability. Doors were often open and barriers to interaction were few. These were great things for me, they were things I needed - but not things I wanted initially.

Is giving us what we want the best policy? What do we lose in doing so?

Consider the revolution in online social networking groups like MySpace and Facebook. They give you a space to make your own, post pictures, music, lists and updates about your doings and goings-on. A self-made window to your personality and personhood. You share yours and you can track your friends'.

A step further is Twitter, which is primarily status updates. It's all about answering the question "what are you doing right now?" You send in regular updates, via some kind of internet application (computer, mobile phone, text messenger...etc) about what you're doing, your attitude and interactions, you're location... all the little stuff. All the updates you make are posted to anyone who is tracking you.

In this way you can track any friend or family member (or moviestar) who is sending twitter updates and learn what they're doing, where they're doing it, why...etc. If you go to twitter's webpage you can watch a great little movie that explains the application.

Here's an interesting quote from the video: "It makes us feel connected, and a part of each other's lives."

And that's what we want, isn't it? To feel connected to others? To be a part of someone's life?

Here's the problem: Proximity is not Community. Information is not Intimacy.

What we want is to enjoy all the benefits and good stuff without having to deal with the rest. We want the distilled package. We want to enjoy community and intimacy with other people, but the real deal is a mess. It's full of the rest of life. The boring stretches, the stuff that causes conflict and pain, the things that make us uncomfortable, and me not always being of sterling character either.

But community without real, deep and true knowledge of each other - good and bad - is just a city bus ride; common location, common direction - but nobody really knows you, or really cares about you. And they are certainly not interested in your junk. (try telling your problems to a bus full of strangers sometime) Rich, sweet community is being fully known and fully accepted, and you don't get there behind closed doors. It means getting into people's lives, into their room and letting them in yours (even if your place is a mess!)

And Intimacy isn't just information. I might know all kinds of information about a person, but it's a sham if there aren't any shared experience, time spent interacting and talking, laughing, crying and doing life together. My guess is that famous people experience this all the time. I'm sure they have people come up to them who feel an intimate connection because they have seen the star on the screen, read about their lives and followed their career. But that information hardly constitutes an intimate relationship and an assumption that it does becomes just weird and annoying. Knowing me and knowing about me are principally different.

We know what we want - but what do we need in order to get there?

I think you need a community in which you can be accepted for who you are, and give acceptance to others - flaws and messed-up-ness included, and go from there.

I think you need a person who can identify with your life, your struggles, your triumphs. Weep with you, rejoice with you. Someone who can know you intimately and love you despite all your junk. (and roll up sleeves to help you deal with it)

I've got a pretty good idea who and where. Care to go a bit deeper?